Developmentally Appropriate Education: “69s”

Have you ever been at a parental crossroads? Let me explain. I believe there are moments life that can be pivotal. Those moments where there are just two options…lie like your life depends on it or be honest and deal with the discomfort that comes with telling the truth. Let me illustrate my point.

My oldest daughter was educated this week about “69s” by a boy in her class. 6th grade is a different world. Now, she informed me that she was told exactly what it means and did not need me to go over it. However, I was not convinced and could not let it go. To my husband‘s discomfort, I called her into the bathroom where we were both getting ready and I asked her about her new knowledge of the term “69.” She informed my husband and I that the term “69” meant “A time to have sex”. Similar to 24/7 or 365.

While her classmates may be very bright, thankfully they know next to nothing about sex. Any knowledge that she gains about sex at school from her peers will be probably false so I encouraged her to direct important questions to us.

So without missing a beat she says “OK, so what is the “69”? Here is what I said and while it was not eloquent, it was developmentally appropriate and a honest answer to that question. I informed her that the term “69” refers to a sexual position, not a time to have sex. And when she gets older and needs to know more information I will share it with her. At this point everyone was uncomfortable. And just like that my oldest child realized that sex is not just for procreation. It was a true “Foot Loose” moment, her world was rocked and she could not leave the bathroom fast enough while my husband pretended to set his watch (insert eye roll). Nothing creates urgency to leave a room like the realization that your parents have a sex life.

I do believe there are times in parenting that make white lies necessary. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve lied to my children. They are not always ready for honesty. But there also comes a time in each child’s life where you have to decide, do I continue to shelter them or bite the bullet and just be honest.

Developmental readiness is totally dependent upon each child. Readiness depends on the emotional maturity of the child coupled with the exposure to new knowledge. And because of this, I always encourage my children to let other parents inform their children of new information. Partly to avoid phone calls of angry parents but mostly because I believe we cannot decide when other children are ready to know “truths” that may be difficult to understand.

My daughter is at the age where it is more important that she knows she can come to us and we will tell her the truth rather than shelter her. I want to encourage open dialogue and trust, as the teenage years quickly approach. We have to model to our children what we expect in return.

A decision was made with my woman child this week. She is no longer the child to be guarded fiercely, it’s time for a new stage. So I will tell her the truth as her readiness increases. I will also try to comfort her daddy when he is uncomfortable with her knowledge of the truth. I will help bridge the gap between childhood and adulthood because it is confusing time. And in times of confusion and chaos I want her to know we are her safe place to ask important questions even if we are all uncomfortable.