Drawer Crawlers and Birth Order

Last week my son got stuck inside a drawer under his bed. No, this was not an accident. He literally crawled in a drawer under his bed and allowed his friend to close the drawer with him in it.

This may sound strange but in reality this kind of behavior is expected with my youngest child (remember the dodge can game.) There is a lack of impulse control. To be honest I have no idea if this is testosterone or just his personality at this point. Whether it’s innate, the environment that he is raised in, or need for adrenaline, he does things without thinking about the consequences, which keeps us all on our toes.

Now this might make people nervous but not me, I choose acceptance. It is what it is. This has nothing to do with my parenting style and everything to do with acceptance of who he is as a person. I calmly watched my husband take his bed apart to get him out while the man child hyperventilated and begged me not to let him die in the drawer. I could literally see him through the slats of his bed. My reaction was based on my expectations and those expectations come from patterns of his past behaviors. Now my husband’s reaction as he removed slats from the bed frame with his tools would be material for a different blog.

Behavioral patterns develop over time and are effected by nature and nurture. Both genetics and experiences matter. Family dynamics and childhood experiences shape our personalities the same way our DNA does. Think about your family of origin for a moment and what was expected of you. How have those experiences and expectations shaped you?

Alfred Adler, a social scientist, proposed a theory about birth order, he said that there are some common traits that children develop based on where they land in the family order. Whether you are a first born, middle child, or the youngest child, there are commonalities in these familial roles. And while we all have to be careful with oversimplification, generalizations exists because there is enough truth to make it stick. And my children are no exception.

First born children tend to be responsible and overachieving. Yep, check. As I am also the oldest child, I get it. My oldest daughter and I are fueled by the approval of others and perfectionism. We can handle anything the world throws at us…as long as everyone else is ok with it! We like to be liked.

My middle child is a different story all together, she is competitive. She competes in board games the same way she competes for our attention. She is not the one who has it all together and neither is she the pampered baby. She is a force to be reckoned with, and some friendly advice, avoid her in a street fight. And while she likes to be liked too, but if you don't like her its your problem.

The man child as I affectionately call him, can’t be bothered. He expects people to wait on him. He was born a 90 year old man, meaning he moves at his own pace and does what he wants when he wants. Lucky for him he has two mamas that were born before him and they tell him exactly what he “needs” do even if he lacks the motivation to do it. But he stays in the moment and never worries about the future.

Now hopefully I won’t continue to find the man child in drawers, lessons were learned in that drawer. But I accept his nature, just like my other children. Each child has their own strength and weakness. If we accept the challenges in our personalities we can develop strategies to adapt to our short comings. Insight is key to behavior change and can be developed at any age. It's never too late to decide you are indeed the drawer crawler in your family of origin.

Managing personality traits and acceptance of others is important for building and maintaining healthy relationships. It’s great to be fun and impulsive sometimes but not to the point of jail time. Being responsible and overachieving is a positive trait until you can’t seem to RELAX (even if your teachers put it in their recommendations on your report card). And competition is healthy unless you literally can’t enter a friendly game of monopoly without a brawl, thankfully she has no access to brass knuckles.

Consider the importance of accepting and managing your own personality traits no matter where they came from. Knowing how you show up in relationships is important to understanding your own relationship patterns. Know who you are and try to adapt to life situations effectively. And a friendly word of advice do not attempt to climb in a drawer. This is in fact a bad idea.