Learning from Losing a Constant

My family and I have lost a constant. My grandfather passed away this week and it was gut wrenching, the kind of loss that words can’t express accurately. Now I am not a person who avoids hardship. In fact, I often take on undesirable tasks on willingly using my humor and sarcasm as a shield.

But death sucks. And reframing grief is difficult. In the next coming weeks I will cope with the loss and learn a new normal. And in some ways I will be thankful. I will be thankful that he’s not in pain, thankful that he is reunited with my grandmother, and thankful for the generous amount of time I had with him throughout my life.

When I struggle with reframing a loss, I try to focus on the lessons learned. So these are the valuable lessons that I’ve learned from the old man.

1. Honesty is important even when it’s ugly. The truth can hurt but it’s better than living life inauthentically.

2. Prioritize your time and spend your energy doing things that you love.

3. Hum loudly while you work.

4. Stay active, BUT make and eat the pound cake.

5. Be someone’s safe place. Be available so that people can seek comfort when they have made a mistake or lost their way. We will all can be “wayward children” in a season of life.

6. There are few problems in life that Skin So Soft cannot fix. Ask your Avon lady.

7. Allow yourself to watch “Survivor” for fun of it but invest in the activities that make you a better person.

8. Arguing with your spouse is healthy. Challenge yourself by loving them anyway.

9. Be invested in other people. Pay attention to others. Comment on their hair, their outfit choice, and their shoes. Let them know they are important and that you notice them.

10. Ask for help when you need it, it’s easier to pick up the sticks under the magnolia tree with your family to complain to.

11. It’s hard to live and it’s hard to die.

While he was sick I asked the old man many questions just to hear his answers. He was smart. He was kind. And he was right. His words mattered because he spoke them honestly.

This last month I laughed big and cried bigger. Nothing was left unsaid when he left this world. While losing a constant is excruciating, it is expected, all of us will die. But learning how to lose a constant WELL will be the last lesson he will teach me.

Grief will require me to lean in on all my supports. I will allow myself to feel big emotions without judgement or shame. I will remind myself that it’s ok to be broken as long as I know how to put myself back together and that just may require me to put up my Christmas tree in October. And as always I will armor myself with humor and sarcasm because that is what I do.