Marriage and Magnolia Trees

In the last several weeks I have been spending time with my grandfather, it has been reflective. We talk about my childhood, his memories, and my grandmother. My grandmother was a saint, she put up with his shenanigans for over 60 years before she died. And he has always been tough. It’s probably why I like the old man so much, he is willful, opinionated, and brutally honest.

I myself have been married for 15 years. And it’s hard. I struggle with being cooperative and no one would describe me as submissive, least of all my husband. Compromise is terrible and honestly I just don’t like doing it. My way is clearly better than his. But because I choose to stay married... I also choose to compromise.

My grandparents are relationship goals. There is a magnolia tree in my granddad’s yard. Their arguments about this tree were constant. It’s huge and he hates it. He would tell us all that he was going to cut the tree down as soon as she died—while angrily raking or picking up sticks. It didn’t seem to bother her, she was patient with him and his anger.

My grandparents usually fought on Sunday mornings before church. There were always church council issues to argue about, opinions about what “the kids” were doing, and decisions to be made on the farm.

And furthermore, Sundays are a time for reflection...about everything your partner does that ticks you off. Oh is that just me? Recently, my husband and I had an argument in Sunday school. Sunday mornings are hard (three kids) and because I refuse to hide how I feel, sometimes our Sunday School class gets to bear witness to my own opinionated, honest, and willful attitude, especially since he teaches the class. But with me, what you see is what you get. And in some ways I hope that is reassuring, even counselors flip out on their husbands at awkward times. I am not nor have I ever been as patient as my grandmother. Patience must skip a generation.

And while my grandmother was patient she would time and time again prove that she could hold her own with the old man. She once sold his entire herd of sheep without asking. A story that lives on in infamy, partly because he passed the trailer full of his sheep on the road driving home.

Sometimes my grandparents would compromise but most of the time they would just decide they couldn’t change each other and move on. Unsolvable conflict is a part of being in a long term relationship. There are things that need to be accepted, forgiven, and moved passed.

There will always be conflict in marriage. Choosing each other, making compromises, and letting go of unsolvable conflict is the only way for two people to stay married. My grandmother has been gone for 20 years and the magnolia tree still stands. It’s a love story that sits outside his house.

Real long term relationships are not built on grand romantic gestures. Real relationships are hard work, acceptance, and forgiveness. Marriage is constant movement towards each other even when it ticks you off. Whether it’s magnolia trees, sheep, or Sunday School, you can choose to love your spouse anyway.