Teen Engagement, Slay

In my practice, I hear from parents whose primary goal is to “understand” their teenager. Parents want to know the why. They want to make sense of the years before, during, and after puberty. But guess what, “understanding” this phase of life is impossible and in my opinion not the real goal.

A teenage brain is a strange place, filled with an under developed frontal lobe and surges of hormones that complicate matters even further. Kind of like Christmas in July, there are some things that will never make sense.

In graduate school I specialized in adolescent development. In my clinical practice, I have seen teens from all walks a life. And whether they attend expensive private schools or live in lock down residential facilities, they have similarities. Even teens with dramatically different levels of emotional and financial support have one think in common, they all seek connection.

So here is my parenting hack for connection. Teens and tweens all use language that is ridiculous. We did it too. When I grew up it was “the bomb”. Who decided that is a good thing? And when our parents grew up it was “groovy”. Today it’s “slay”.

I heard my oldest daughter say “slay” referring to a fashion choice I made. Thinking I had made a good call, I immediately tried to use the word myself. I failed. I guess I couldn’t get the context from her usage of the word and I missed the mark. We laughed about my old age and how out of touch I am because I am in fact not as cool as I think I am. And every time she brings up this story she rolls her eyes, I smile. I encourage parents to think about eye rolls and laughter as connection and communication, if in the proper context. This is engagement with a teenager. Have fun with them.

Avoid taking yourself too seriously and practice being “weird.” They secretly like it. Really. Don’t push for admissions of deep feelings, find the joy in being playful and silly. I am far from “fun mom” because I firmly believe in good boundaries, rules, and expectations. I also believe that healthy engagement will lead to open conversations. In my own mind, I am a “cool mom," and I tell her so. You want to be the one they come to when they have questions, so allow yourself to be weird enough to receive their attempts at connection. And most importantly, “cool enough” to talk it through without judgement.