The Reframe: Making Memories

As a therapist, I spend a lot of time reframing negative events with clients so that they can grow. But as a human, even I need help reframing at times. Enter my husband, no one can challenge me better than he can. So sometimes I respond with nonverbal communication,if you know what I mean. It’s my own personal love language.

My husband and I call it “making memories” when life is really difficult. And this season of life is no joke. Building a business, three busy children in May, and the joys of house repairs keep us on our toes. But we choose to fight it out when stressors arise instead of being silent. When stressful events occur, frustration tolerance diminishes and we are open about it, just ask our Sunday school class. What you see is what you get with us. But here is a couples counseling trick backed by research, when things are really tough in a relationship think back to the beginning.

I decided on my husband at age 17, long before he knew that he was my plan. Then I fought to prove it to him. I am well aware I was suppose to be a “summer thing” before he went to college. But for better or worse, it is not uncommon for me to firmly make a decision and then wait patiently while he decides I am indeed right. 23 summers later, we still choose to celebrate our lives together by “making memories”.

But it has not always been easy. We survived college at different universities for six years. Don't let him tell you a story about a bus stop in Chapel Hill. We got married while he was still in school and we did not have enough money to celebrate our first wedding anniversary. Although we did spend one magical evening returning anniversary presents after we over-drafted our banking account. In 16 years, we have never bought another anniversary present, some things just stick with you. We continued to “make memories” when we used our wedding punch bowl to collect water from our leaking roof in our first house. To this day we have never used it for anything else.

When financial stability came, we had children…. I assure you we continued to “make memories”. We had three children under 4. We were shaped by our first born, challenged by our middle child, and amazed that we kept track of our youngest. Truly, we made him wear a bell in crowds. “Making memories”. If you want some good stories ask my youngest about how many times we actually lost him. It’s embarrassing.

Currently, we “make memories” in different ways. As with each new stage, the requirements change in our marriage. Our youth was about being upbeat about having no money and an excess amount of free time. We got a dog. Then we “made memories” with reruns of HGTV’s House Hunters at 3 am, spending the sleepless nights of newborn babies dreaming about all the material things we wanted if we ever got raises. Still we don't have a hot tub. We were either pregnant, breast feeding, or rocking babies with ear infections, fevers, or croup for the better part of ten years. Talk about “making memories”. Currently, we are practicing the art of parenting children/preteens; figuring out my husband’s way, my way, and finally after heated discussions "our way". And eventually, my husband and I will have to “make memories” on our own again. I, not so secretly, hope this includes a mountain house with a hot tub.

But it’s a choice. “Making memories” has very little to do with the love we have for each other. That’s the reframe, “making memories” is more about commitment , friendship, and trust. Trust that your partner will choose you to continue “making memories” with regardless of the phase of life. “Making memories” is acknowledging the “suck” and choosing to come together and laugh about it.