They Didn't Pick You

Outright rejection is hard. But not half as hard as not being picked consistently. When you experience outright rejection it’s black and white. Okay so not everyone is going to like you, you can’t connect easily with everyone, and sometimes it’s just in the “too hard category”. It’s not you or me, we just aren’t friends, no biggie.

But not being picked by someone who you have repeatedly and consistently picked hits differently. It brings up every insecurity. Am I unlovable, am I the problem, is there something wrong with me? These are things we don’t say out loud but if we are honest with ourselves these are thoughts that rock us to our core when we feel rejected or included inconsistently.

Friendship can be difficult because unlike a romantic relationships, we as a society give friendship no credit for the impact on our emotions. It’s a relationship that can be so close that it feels like a divorce when it’s over but there is no support. Where is the friendship care group? People wonder if they expect too much out of friendship. Maybe. But in healthy relationships we can expect what we give, most definitely. Healthy relationships are reciprocal. And in a world full of chameleons, finding someone that picks you consistently is not an easily obtainable task.

Now I am not talking about not being included in every event. Being left out on an invite happens all the time and to be fair you can’t be included in everything. I am talking about someone who ignores your feelings because it works for them. Or someone who pretends not to be aware of how their behavior can be hurtful even if you have expressed it.

If someone can not see your value, it’s on them. Remember validating your own value is your task. You can know your own worth. Their behavior and choices have nothing to do with you...those choices are theirs and theirs alone. However, when you are not picked it feels personal. And if you are picked inconsistently it can lead to chronic self doubt. If it takes away your peace, you can give it distance or set a boundary.

Relationships are hard. Forgiveness is important. But healing is about healthy boundaries and not picking people who don’t pick you consistently. Avoiding relationships that make you question your worth will reduce emotional distress and increase your ability to be present with others who do value you.