This Introverted Old House

Introversion is foreign to me. While I understand the construct academically, I have trouble understanding the introverted people in my life. Why don’t you want to go to loud parties, do karaoke, or meet and hang out with new people?

My husband prefers to avoid any and all attention but being married to me is no walk in the park. I am constantly talking to new people, laughing really loudly, and asking people very personal questions. We are dramatically different, which can be a source of tension for us. Not as much tension as the grass mowing, I can really get fired up about that too. We try to strike a balance between the two of our personalities but sometimes we miss the mark, causing frustration for both of us.

An introvert is someone like my husband who likes small groups of people, enjoys spending time alone, and is generally more reserved. He literally fills his cup with solitude. While an extrovert is sociable, the life party, and enjoys time with large amounts of friends. Can you guess who I am yet? Spoiler alert-you can be dramatically different and still want to be in your relationship.

My husband told someone recently that we did not need new friends. But new friends aren’t really his problem, he does not want to add more events to his already “peopley” schedule. And trust me he wants less events in his schedule. He is perfectly happy in his garage with no talking at all. He needs a lot of quiet time and the latest episodes of This Old House to feel content.

Both of our jobs are very “peopley” and that wears on an introvert. Yes he loves what he does and yes it exhausts him from time to time. I on the other hand talk to people all day long, really for hours, and then return home with phone in hand to talk some more. I am clearly trying to solve the world’s problems.

I am a high extrovert. Thanks Myers Briggs. I want to schedule my entire weekend. In my perfect world we would skip from one event to the other (Wizard of Oz style), spending time with all my people. A large amount of my energy goes to catching up with people I talk to daily through memes, social media, and a good snap chat.

While our personality styles are not likely to change at this point in our lives, we can respect each other’s differences and try to ensure that each person can fill their cup differently. So our compromise is as follows; I try to avoid over-scheduling his weekend, so this means two days, but certainly not three. The third day is for porch sitting, This Old House, and garage time. When I do schedule things I try to make them small events with small groups of people, this man hates a party. So we try for intimate gatherings that he can really enjoy.

Now this is not to say I don’t over schedule us. I am an over-scheduler by nature, but I try to be aware of my patterns. I try to ensure that I schedule us events that meet both of our needs. It’s a work in progress, as evidenced by my 2019 New Year’s Eve party…oops.

He will go to large events with me in exchange for my complete silence afterwards. I try to read a good book, distract myself with things I don’t have to comment on (it’s a short list), or play the quiet game in my head. I give him space to be quiet too which I have found helps us both.

It’s important to learn what your partner needs even if you don’t understand it. Your experiences are not the same and therefore your needs are not the same either. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is respect your partner’s needs even if they make no sense to you. Respect and episodes of This Old House.