Yes Man

I am a "yes man." I vacillate between saying yes to everything to the point of exhaustion and hiding. Yep, complete avoidance. I spend days avoiding people who may ask me to do things I don’t want to do because saying no makes me uncomfortable. Radio silence means, “No, I don’t want to."

This pattern has nothing to do with the person making the request. It has everything to do with internalized scripts. Internalized scripts are those things we do over and over again because we think they work, or someone important to us told us it works, or we saw it work for a caregiver in childhood. Full circle back to the people pleaser. Often the people pleaser is praised by their parents and adults in childhood for their flexibility and willingness to help others. Side note...other people like it when you are agreeable. But consider the cost of this behavior when it becomes an inescapable pattern.

I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I have said yes when I really meant “absolutely not”. Often we don’t recognize this pattern in ourselves until we are faced with the exhaustion of spreading ourselves too thin. Exhaustion comes in many forms. It’s like the scene in Ghostbusters, “The traveler has come." Exhaustion can look like yelling at our kids, snapping at a coworker, or overeating pizza and cake left in the break room. Notice none of these are healthy coping strategies and I did all of them this week, just ask my office manager.

Finding balance is uncomfortable at times because it means we have to say no and make a boundary with people we love. It’s easy to say no to people we don’t care about but much harder to let a friend or family member down. But it has to be done for self preservation and for the longevity of relationships.

At any given time and in any relationship there will be a giver and a taker. But those roles need to be fluid. Times when you can do both. However very often in unhealthy relationships reciprocity is not present. When roles lack of fluidity, relationships end usually like a lifetime movie.

Relationships can fall into unhealthy patterns. The givers will continue to give even when they have nothing left. And the takers continue to take expecting the givers to say yes. Often the giver and the taker are attracted to each other which can make an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship. The giver starts out giving because they feel a sense of fulfillment but soon that satisfaction is replaced with dread when boundaries are not set or boundaries are ignored. And the giver expects the taker to have the insight to know that their behavior is unfair. Ever expect someone to develop awareness without communicating it? I assure you it never works even in healthy relationships.

Boundaries are tough for most people but absolutely necessary in relationships. Relationship security is based on the ability of one person to say no and for that boundary to be respected. Safety is key to healthy relationships and if you don’t feel secure enough to say no...it’s time to evaluate the health of the relationship. Not just romantic relationships either. Friends and family count too.

We all have natural tendencies that can be ineffective. Developing insight into your own personality is key to making changes. Any behavior can be changed if you choose to change it. So stay on track by noticing your exhaustion and saying no to added requests. Instead of being a "yes man", politely decline because you value yourself, your relationships, and your well-being.