Your Children Your Baggage

Parenting is tough. The world is trying to teach our children lessons every day. They learn through media, they learn at school, and from their peer groups (In my clinical experience, all moms collectively hit the panic button here). However, its our responsibility as parents to guide them. I have heard people say that we have to let our kids figure it out. And while I’m not opposed to letting my kids struggle because really grappling with a difficult situation is healthy, I am opposed to parenting the easy way. The truth is parenting is a challenge because when you parent well you have to watch for your own triggers and be insightful about how your own emotions impact your decision making. When my son was small he struggled with separation anxiety. Now being the youngest of three children in close succession (thanks Olive Garden) meant that he was very rarely alone. But getting out of the car for preschool was like ripping a person out of vehicle with the jaws of life. He literally learned how to rebuckle himself in the car seat and would often go to sleep before I could hand him off to the teacher. For years he could put himself to sleep on command in an effort of avoidance (its brilliant really, try it at your next family holiday). And to this day I have not signed him up for soccer, because of the season he spent crying in the middle of the field while swarms of kids ran him over chasing the ball. It was traumatizing. It’s easy to say I’m gonna let my kid figure it out. It’s much harder to search through your own feelings. Knowing your own emotional triggers can help you parent well. Your child needs help to make healthy decisions for themselves, that is the real work. So how did my own need to be needed effect my son’s behavior. And if that doesn’t feel icky enough consider how my son’s behavior was perpetuated by my insisting that he was shy and needed me present. Developing insight into how your emotions impact parenting is tough because you really have to look at your own baggage. Here’s a secret, I wanted my baby boy to need to be the baby a little longer and our anxieties ping ponged off of each other. I spent years warning people that he might not want to leave me and he was completely fine, tucking and rolling out the car rider line in big school. He is outgoing and independent. And further more he is the self proclaimed “golden son”. We have to take this parenting job seriously, as their brains are not fully developed until they are well out of our care. The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain in charge of planning, impulse control, and organization is not fully developed until age 25. So when we guide our children through situations we are actually modeling how to use these skills effectively. We have to teach our children the way to problem solve, pick good healthy friendships, and manage their own anxieties. If we take a passive role our children learn from other sources and we all know how scary that can be. So while I think fondly on the times that my son refused anyone but me, I know that developmentally he is on track. I will continue to teach, model, and celebrate his independence. Now responsibility … we are still working on that one. During my parenting stage of life, I will continue to investigate how my own needs effect my decision making. Dealing with your baggage and regulating your own emotions while your child goes through something difficult is a tremendous responsibility. Passive parenting is not my jam, and I know that the challenges ahead are far more complicated than the ones I have faced to date. So heres to the struggle.