Zingers

Do you ever say something that really sucks? I do. It happened this week actually. My husband and I bicker at times. We live in the same house and raise children together. But rarely have major arguments because we do have similar values. However when we do argue we go hard. Like all the words are on the table.

We are both stubborn first born children and know how to really hit bellow the belt. We are both gifted the art of the “zinger”. And we are both powerful in our skill set...especially when angry.

This week it was one word. I said it. I am not proud of it but in my anger it felt amazing.

Immediately afterward came the guilt and remorse. And worse, it didn’t solve anything. In fact it clouded an already difficult situation.

Now I am a therapist but I am also human and in real life relationships. And sometimes it’s just hard to do the right thing when you really want to help your partner see that you are indeed right. And trust me I was right.

However there are some problems for a couple that cannot be solved. Really there is no answer. These unsolvable problems often lead to the biggest arguments and most heated debates. Think about the last really big fight you had with your partner. I am willing to bet that you have been having the same fight for years and still there is no answer. There is no compromise.

Navigating complicated couples issues is not easy. In fact some therapist prefer not to see couples at all. Here is the thing, while I am not able to fix this problem for us, I am able to talk about it respectfully. I am able to communicate my feelings while recognizing my husband does not have the same feelings. Our experiences are different and therefore the perception of our situation is radically different.

I know that I will have to apologize and take responsibility for my words and my behavior at some point. I am going to make sure I am sincere when I do (notice the future tense).

But here is what I want in return, I want my husband to validate my feelings even if they don’t match his own. I want him to recognize that my feelings matter even if he does not understand them.

Now over the years I have taught many couples how to validate each other’s experiences. He is no exception, we call this being supportive. No copay necessary. So validating requires a partner to verbally recognize that the other partner has feelings related to the situation and listen. No advice. No clever problem solving methods or theories. Just recognize the feelings and listen.

Listen to your partner, let them know that while your experience is not the same, you can take the time to understand them. Let them feel heard and prioritized. And while validation may not solve the original problem it can soften the response and decrease conflict.

And for those of you concerned, I will apologize for my zinger even if it was a really good one.